After the emotional intensity of the last post it was hard to get back into the blogging space again. Instead I have responded by turning to my instrument and my inner self, spending less time on the computer in general and trying to stay present with my goals and just sit with them.
I have witnessed an unbelievable amount of turmoil in my own mind during writing my Artist’s Way morning pages. I had no idea just how deeply my artist’s child had been sleeping. Now I’ve woken her up she’s volatile! I feel intense about everything, it’s a rollercoaster. Today, for example, the stormy winds buffeting our little house in Trentham feel like they are blowing through my soul and I feel literally shaky. During my artist’s dates I have danced madly and laughed at nothing in particular like a crazy woman and it all feels frankly dangerous. But then again, the colours I can hear, and the music I can taste and the level of musical telepathy I have touched, it’s all worthwhile. It hasn’t turned into a lot of finished songs yet, but I know whatever comes of this (be it songs, or just wild, free music making) I’m willing to accept it gratefully as a gift. I really have to say thanks to Steve here too, who has been so supportive despite the fact that it must be more than a bit disconcerting to watch me go a bit nuts.
I have delayed a few goals and subtly changed the the shape of others in response to this need to be gentle with this newly awakened lunatic self. Specifically:
The Jigzag album is progressing steadily towards it’s deadline. The launch is set for November the 12th at “Notes” in Newtown. It will be ready and it will be beautiful.
I shelved the Music Success in Nine Weeks book after the first week, realising that I was in too much of a transition stage for it to be much help yet. I will pick it up once more as soon as I have completed the next album.
I am stumbling in fits and starts in relation to establishing any routine for either practise or songwriting, but it has started to happen a lot more frequently, with no rhyme or reason other than it’s increased importance in my mind. I am now soothed by the act of practise as almost a meditation in itself. I NEVER thought it could feel that way, finally devoid of overwhelming guilt and confusion. This gives me a lot of joy.
I have written and collected songs for both Jimmy the Fish & for my new collaboration with Myles White. Jimmy can’t get together again ’til the spring, so those songs will have to wait til then. We’vebeen organising photo shoots and have written bios and both bands feel like growing projects that I’m really proud of already, even though they are both in infancy. I’m also motivated in the direction of festival applications, though I know that I won’t be ready for any major festivals until the autumn. I think once the Jigzag album has been launched I will need a summer break at home!
Another source of fun has been getting some casual gigs filmed and uploading them to my YouTube channel to share with people who may be interested in my changing directions.
Myles and I have taken on a band name. I suggested to him that maybe we could name our collaboration after my artist child. The idea came to me slowly as I realised that this collaboration has encouraged her out into the sunlight more than any other in recent times. He aquiesced happily, even though it meant assuming a ‘she’ entity. I wavered and suggested a few other gender-less names, but he thought that having a character name seemed more personal and warm and voted for my original suggestion. So we are now working under the name of Red Juliet.
I love playing with Myles. In many ways he is my performance opposite, mostly contained and still when playing whilst I dance with my bass. But as soon as you listen to his guitar all his passionate intensity becomes evident. Beautifully structured solos that tell intricate and heartfelt stories. His ability as an improviser, accompanist and most importantly a listener is a continuing delight to behold. I’m inspired and frankly amazed and grateful that he gives his time to our music. He has played with some of the finest jazz musicians in the country and yet he seems to really like what we do together. I won’t question it. Just cradle the gift with a grin and keep working towards being able to give as much as I am recieving.
The 2nd duet album is back on the shelf until the studio is finished in the new year. It still might make a 2011 release hopefully, but more likely in the spring.
The function band is well on the way. The Honeycatz have a website under construction, demos, business cards, bios and publicity photos. We also have a Daylesford music agency working on our behalf and have started to pick up work in the spring. I’m still shuffling charts in folders and choosing repertoire, but we are already set for working and hopefully some weddings and parties will help pay the mortgage in the new year.
I’ve managed to lose about 3 of the 6kg I wanted to lose, but the pressure of an exercise routine amongst my emotional turmoil has become a bit of a drag. Instead I’m just trying to eat sensibly and take any incidental exercise opportunities as they come. I’ve decided to commence a regular 4 times a week routine from September when it’s warmer and it will actually be pleasant and inspiring to get out on the bike. Until then I just don’t want to gain any weight. I’m definitely drinking less alcohol.
The meditations I have been doing are really incredible. I feel more connected spiritually and all I want now is to find this space more frequently. I still have a very noisy and distractable mind. But allowing myself to be myself and not being judgemental has been really helpful to my feelings of peace and self esteem. I’m getting somewhere in this part of my life.
I’ve had some great phone calls and skype calls in response to this resolution. My friends are so great. They keep me dreaming and sane. We also had the first dinner date which was a great night. On tuesday I’m having a big sing with Carl Pannuzzo and Penny Larkins, life is good. I think the one thing I need to add to this resolution is some time off for Steve and I to be alone, but this won’t realistically happen until after the Jigzag album.
So all in all the resolutions and plans towards change have really turned into tangible growth towards who I want to be.
Well… what do you know? Who’d a thunk it?